Rick Roberts Life The Blog

By Rick Roberts Architect Of Transformation

My Faith. My Thoughts. My Life.

How to Stop Saying Yes to Everyone and Ghosting Yourself

Revolutionary steps for changing your life—the kind of deep internal work most coaches and counsellors wish they had time to teach you. We’re unpacking the patterns behind your people-pleasing, the quiet ‘no’ you keep saying to yourself, and giving you the blueprint to finally feel seen, safe, and solid.

This ain’t fluff. It’s soul mechanics. Let’s get to work.

Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever had one of those days where something just feels… off. Like the emotional Wi-Fi is glitchin’, but nobody can see it. Well, that was the energy my client lets call her Melissa, brought into our mental health personal training session.

Melissa beautiful soul. One of those “hold-the-family-together-with-grace-and-glue-sticks” kind of people. She’s the kind of woman who would mop your kitchen floor while you’re crying and still apologise for not folding your socks after. But that day? She was carrying invisible weight. Quiet. Smiling. Eyes doing the “I’m fine” thing we all know ain’t fine.

So I leaned in. “Tell me what happened.”

🔔 The Situation: The Signal Goes Off

Turns out, one of her cousins had rolled through town. Literally in her neighbourhood. Like, if Melissa had sneezed too loud, her cousin could’ve heard it from the car. Picked someone up, ran a quick errand, and dipped. No text. No wave. No carrier pigeon. Nada.

Now, if you’re thinking, “Okay… that’s not that deep,” I get it.

But this wasn’t about just that moment. This was about a pattern. A soul loop.

It was one more whisper in the echo chamber that says,

“You don’t matter as much as you thought.”

🧭 Enter The Big Three

I had her walk through this framework:

Cost What’s this costing me?

Reward What reward am I hoping for?

Security What security am I clinging to?

She blinked. Thought for a moment. And then said:

“It’s costing me my peace.”

“I’m hoping I’ll finally feel included.”

“And I keep thinking maybe this time will be different.”

Spoiler: it wasn’t.

🎚 Pillar One: What Am I Feeling?

“I feel… dismissed,” she said. “Like I’m always the last person people remember. Like leftovers on the emotional plate.”

I asked her: “Alright, what’s your amplifier set to?”

Because every time we walk into relational space, we bring a signal.

Is it fear? Insecurity? Neutral? Confidence? Hope?

She paused and said, “Insecurity.”

Bingo.

Because when you walk in already tuned to “I might be unwanted,”

every silence sounds like rejection.

🔍 Pillar Two: Where Is This Coming From?

This wasn’t new. This was an echo from way back.

That unspoken childhood message:

“You’re valuable when you’re useful not just when you’re you.”

She’d been performing, over-giving, hoping someone would finally see her without needing a rescue mission.

And then she dropped the sentence so many of us say right before we ghost our own truth:

“I know it’s silly. I shouldn’t have said anything, I’m probably just being petty.”

Nope. Not on my watch.

So I told her, “Even if you’re wrong even if the reaction feels off you still get to say what you feel.”

And then I gave her this wild example:

“Let’s say my wife comes downstairs. She opens our son’s lunchbox.

No sandwich. No juice. Just a sneaker.

A size 12, slightly used, Velcro strap, sittin’ next to a Capri Sun like it belongs there.”

She looks at me and loses it:

“RICK. Are you serious?! A SHOE?! For LUNCH?!

Are you trying to raise a cannibal? What is wrong with you?!

This isn’t just dumb this is a level of dumb that belongs in a museum.

If I Googled ‘what not to feed your child,’ this shoe would be on the thumbnail!”

Now listen I would be 100% wrong.

That lunchbox decision deserves jail time.

But I’d still turn to her and say:

“Babe, you’re right. That was absolutely ridiculous.

But the way you just roasted me like I’m on a Netflix comedy special?

That hurt. I felt belittled, not corrected.

Even when I mess up, I still want to be treated with dignity.”

And I told Melissa:

Being wrong doesn’t erase your right to be respected.

And your feelings don’t need permission slips to matter.

💥 Pillar Three: How Is This Affecting Me?

We broke it down:

Her thoughts? “They didn’t even think of me.”

Her actions? Shrinking. Smiling. Overcompensating.

Her energy? Drained.

She was living in shrinking mode giving high effort with low return.

So I asked her to name her state:

Frantic? Shrinking? Overpowered? Underpowered? Balanced?

She looked at me, eyes welling up, and said,

“I’ve been shrinking for years.”

🧱 Pillar Four: What Matters?

This was the rebuilding phase.

What really mattered to Melissa?

Being seen without performance.

Receiving emotional reciprocity.

And being respected, not just tolerated.

This is where I dropped the preference metaphor:

“Let’s say I wear a red hoodie, ‘cause it’s my favourite.

You bought me a yellow one and get mad I’m not wearing it.

You start telling people I ‘disrespected your gift.’

That’s not betrayal that’s a preference dressed up like a principle.”

Too many of us weaponise preferences and call it loyalty.

If we want to have our preferences heard and respected we need to be open to theirs and both understand that the times we don’t agree doesn’t always mean someone is wrong or being difficult it a moment for more grace and communication to understand the rules of engagement.

🔐 Pillar Five: What Boundaries Help Protect What Matters?

So we practiced saying:

“Hey, next time you’re in town, I’d love a heads-up.”

“Hearing from you helps me feel connected.”

“I’m learning to say no without guilt.”

Because here’s the mic drop:

It’s okay to be generous not a Doormat

🧨 The Truth Bomb: You’re Always Saying No

Even when you think you’re being helpful.

Even when you say yes.

Every “yes” is a “no” to something else.

Yes to them = No to your rest.

Yes to their drama = No to your clarity.

Yes to their chaos = No to your peace.

So the real question is:

Who are you saying no to them… or yourself?

✨ Soul Scripts: How to Say No Without Guilt

Now, before you start ghosting folks like you’re in an emotional Witness Protection Program let me help you out with some soul-solid phrases. These are straight-up gospel for anyone who’s been too nice for too long and is ready to protect their peace without burning down the bridge.

These scripts give you a way to say no with backbone and grace:

If someone asks for your time or energy and you’re not available:

“Hey, I’m not available for that.”

If they keep pushing or try to guilt-trip you:

“It’s not that I don’t care it’s just that I don’t have the capacity to take that on.”

If someone asks to borrow money or something valuable and you don’t want to give it:

“I don’t have it to give.”

And if they come back with, ‘But I saw you spending money on XYZ…’

Here’s your calm, classy response:

“I didn’t have money for that request. I had a budget set aside for something else. That doesn’t mean I had money for everything.”

Or… if you’re feeling bold and want to keep it light (and hilarious):

“I don’t have money for you, I have money for me.”

Because let’s be real generosity is a gift, not a requirement.

Being kind doesn’t mean being available for everything.

And setting boundaries doesn’t mean being mean it means being clear.

So take these scripts. Use them with love. Say yes when it’s aligned, and say no when it protects your peace.

Because the goal isn’t to stop being helpful it’s to stop ghosting yourself in the name of being helpful.

🛠️ Pillar Six: What Does a Truly Aligned Outcome Look Like?

This isn’t about cutting people off.

It’s about clear, aligned roads both people can walk on.

Real alignment…

Brings clarity

Respects your capacity

Doesn’t demand performance to maintain connection

Melissa walked out lighter. Not because her cousin changed.

Because she did.

She stopped carrying invisible contracts.

Stopped trading peace for proximity.

Started speaking the truth even when it felt uncomfortable.

That’s not rebellion.

That’s recovery.

And I’ll leave you with this:

You’re not just here to be helpful.

You’re not just here to take part.

You’re here to be whole.

So make sure the next time you say “yes,”

you’re not ghosting the most important person in the room:

You.

Note:

The Melissa in today’s story isn’t just one person.

They’re a blend of voices, patterns, and lived experiences I’ve encountered over many years.

We honour their courage and privacy because their shared truths help others heal too.

💬 Let’s Keep It Real And Keep It Moving

If this hit home for you if you’ve been that “yes” person who’s tired of ghosting your own peace I want to hear from you.

🪑 Drop a comment like we’re sitting on that bench together.

📣 Share this with someone who’s been carrying too much.

❤️ And hit that like button if you’re done trading peace for people-pleasing.

Because someone out there needs to know:

They’re not alone. They’re not petty.

They’re just finally learning to say yes to themselves.

Let’s keep building this healing bench one story at a time.

🫱🏽‍🫲🏽

Rick Roberts

My Faith. My Thoughts. My Life.